


Kintsukuroi

by urbaninja



Series: Everyone Lives [10]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, roads to redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 05:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6039414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urbaninja/pseuds/urbaninja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>But Leonard is a Church. And the thing with Churches and the universe is that the universe is determined to never make things easy for Churches, regardless of who they are. If your last name is Church, there’s a good chance the universe wants a laugh at your expense.</i>
</p>
<p>Somewhere along the line Leonard Church woke up, and now it is time for him to take his own steps to redemption.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kintsukuroi

**Author's Note:**

> Kintsukuroi.
> 
> From Wikipedia: the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the _maki-e_ technique. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

_Make it whole_  
Make it better than it was before  
Make it better than it was before 

_Stand in front of me_  
Paint it gold  
And coming up whole  
Now bring that summer sun 

\--

Leonard Church asks for his daughter’s pistol but that is as far as he gets. 

He stares at it and knows why he asks but cannot bring himself to move forward. He is frozen, as he has been for so many years. FILSS continues to play the video of Allison, the last one, the one that he has watched for oh so many years. The one that he has memorized every pixel of. 

He stares at the gun debating on whether or not he will act and that is as far as he gets. 

Instead he gets visitors again. Visitors he expected to show up a long time ago. He’s surprised Chairman Hargrove is with them, but Leonard is so far inside himself that he no longer cares about his old foe. 

He doesn’t hear a word of Hargrove’s victory speech as he is led away. He doesn’t look back either. 

\--

Leonard Church is numb to the world.

True to his word, Hargrove has him imprisoned, awaiting trial. Mostly he lies on the hard cot in his cell, staring up at the ceiling, still lost in his memories. They play out in front of him, starting with that last video of Allison, with occasional memories of Carolina, the project, other parts of his life floating in between, most of them focused on Allison. 

In the times when he is not in his cell, he does not interact with anyone else, doesn’t speak. He simply goes through the motions of eating, bathing, sleeping. There are attempts to engage him, but he doesn’t notice and those who try soon drift away. 

He is left to his memories and he is content. 

But with all things, there comes a time when thoughts start to change. When the brain decides, voluntarily or not, to look at things from a different angle. 

He doesn’t know how much time has passed when it happens, the days having all bled into one. There’s a small voice in the back of his mind that tells him that the video of Allison, the one that he thinks of constantly, the final moments he has of her, is lost. That Hargrove has it. That it’s likely he will never see it again. 

His last link to her, gone. The loss weighs heavily on him.

There is a small part in the back of his mind, the small voice that reflects that this is a good thing. That maybe now, now he can let go and begin to move forward. He’s been trapped in that memory for far too long and it’s time to return to the world. 

The lightness of that thought is buried under the devastation. He loses himself in his memories again, desperate to cling to them.

**

His mind, of course, has other ideas. The small thought fights its way to the surface of his memories.

Leonard Church wakes up in the middle of his trial. 

He has a vague idea of what is going on, the meetings with his lawyers, the details, preparing himself for this moment but it was as if he had been watching them from a distance. Like it wasn’t really Leonard Church doing those things but a computer simulation. 

Now he is awake and aware and everything comes flooding into him at once. He is in court, he is at the defendant’s table, they are discussing his future. He thinks there’s a witness but at the same time he’s reeling from this sudden flood of information.

Thankfully his lawyer notices and a small recess is granted. He is ushered off to a small room for a hurried conversation and in that short time he manages to come back to himself. His lawyer is surprised that Leonard is so aware of what is going on, could have sworn that he had been talking to a brick wall. Leonard apologies to him and asks what the strategy is. 

They return to the courtroom with a hastily constructed plan. For the first time in a long time, Leonard feels like himself. He is able to meet Malcolm Hargrove’s gaze and he is certain that he sees the other man flinch. 

He is back in control.

He’s not sure if he can consider that a good thing.

**

True to what was written in those letters all that time ago, Leonard Church is not convicted and cleared of his charges. He states his case and though there are many arguments against him (and now that he is suddenly seeing clearly he does not disagree with them though he holds to his words) there is still nothing to convict him with. 

Although true to Hargrove’s word, the laws will be rewritten and his actions will undoubtedly lead to sections upon sections. 

(In another time and place, Leonard likely would have been fascinated by those changes, but now he is exhausted and ready to step away from it all). 

He leaves the courthouse with a sense of relief, pushing past reporters and hoping to find a place of peace. His life has just changed drastically. 

He is on his own now, no longer the leader of a military branch, no longer Dr. Leonard Church, Director of Project Freelancer. Now he’s just Dr. Leonard Church, and he feels he can barely call himself that. Whatever he had felt in the courtroom is gone now. 

He doesn’t know what to call himself now.

**

Continuing his career in AI is impossible now, not that he would ever want to go back to it. At this point, Leonard Church feels that he has enough AI for a lifetime. 

But he needs to find work, needs to find some sort of income. 

He signs on with a temp agency. They shuffle him around from job to job, mostly working on short-term projects. It’s menial work but it pays the bills (not that he has many) and he’s glad that he doesn’t have to stay in one place too long. 

He also takes to drifting, never staying in the same city for more than six months or so, maybe longer if he doesn’t mind the work. But never long enough for his reputation to catch up with him. He supposes that that would only matter in the circles he used to travel in, but he doesn’t want to take any chances. And the work he’s doing now helps keep him busy, doesn’t let him dwell too long on the past, and Leonard is scared that that is where he will return to if given the chance. 

**

As he reflects on it, Leonard is still not entirely sure how he came back to himself. He remembers the thought of being able to move forward growing louder, and trying to drown it out by keeping himself in his memories. He wanted to remain detached, away from anything that might have brought him back to the world.

But somehow that thought has managed to take control and when he thinks about the future, it’s with a new sense of purpose. Granted he doesn’t know what that purpose is, but it’s weird to be able to think about the future, his future this way. Not bound by the past. 

_“The past doesn’t define us, it’s just a starting point for who we’re going to be”_

The words float through his mind and he doesn’t know who to attribute them to. He’s sure it was someone important and he’s determined to hang on to those words.

**

Eventually, Leonard finds work with a non-profit organization, one that works to aid stragglers and lost souls in these days following the war. They are a pleasant and welcoming group, where a person’s past means less than their desire to make things better. 

It’s a thought about the future that Leonard Church hasn’t had in a long time. Making things better. 

At some point in time, before Project Freelancer, before Allison and Carolina, before the war, before everything fell apart he supposes that that had been a desire of his. But then the war had started, and his mission became survival and victory. And then he had lost Allison and his mission became ridding himself of the pain. And his mission became bringing her back.

He hadn’t really thought about what to do with his future. Only that he could do something with it. That he had an opportunity. Everything else remained undefined. Now the opportunity to change, to prove that he had changed was in front of him. A chance to help where once he had done nothing but hinder for his own selfish gain. 

He finds he likes the idea, and throws himself wholeheartedly into the work.

**

Not that it is the most fulfilling work. 

It’s largely data entry, computer work, at first but he works hard at it. And slowly starts to change things, making it more organized, more streamlined, more efficient. The secretary who he shares space with lets him, though she is not afraid to speak her mind if he starts taking a step too far. 

Her name is Agatha. She has serious eyes but an easy smile. She doesn’t ask too many questions about Leonard but she makes sure he’s included in lunches and after work events (Even if he doesn’t always accept). She’s expecting a child soon.

Leonard is surprised when she tells him that she’d like him to take over for her while she’s on maternity leave. And she laughs when he expresses that surprise. He doesn’t mention that he doesn’t feel like he should be trusted with work that puts him in control, considering how badly things went the last time someone did.

“Leonard, you know how to run this place just as well as I do, if not better. You’ll be fine.” 

“In that case, I accept. Thank you Agatha, and all the best.” He doesn’t feel he can say no anymore.

And he means it.

**

He typically takes his lunch break alone. It’s not something he particularly wants, but he is also afraid of his reputation preceding him. And while an organization may have ideals, people often do not. He’d rather avoid the stares and the whispering. 

Thankfully the building has many open places, and Leonard finds a particular fondness for the roof. He’s not sure why he’s drawn to the outside. Perhaps he spent too long cooped up in a space ship or down in his bunker.

“Mind if I join you?” comes a voice one day. Leonard turns and is surprised to see a man, roughly about his age with a paper bag and a friendly expression. Leonard nods and the man sits beside him.

“David Tate,” the man says, holding out his hand and smiling. “Friend’s call me Davey.” 

“Leonard Church,” Leonard replies, trying desperately not to think of the last David he knew. 

“The new guy, right?” Davey says, “Nice to meet you. You work with computers, right?” 

“Yeah, that’s me,” Leonard is relieved. He’s the new guy. He’s not being singled out by his reputation. He feels himself start to relax and fall into the rhythm of conversation, even if he doesn’t say much, and lets the much more talkative Davey control the way things go.

Davey is a doctor that works in the hospital. He focuses mostly on robotic limbs. While Leonard’s specialty is AI, robotics has been a passing interest (one that he was able to somewhat funnel into his design of the Freelancer armor). He listens eagerly to Davey, who speaks passionately and eagerly on the subject, and remembers a far off time when he could speak in the same way.

By the end of that lunch period, Leonard realizes that he has made a friend. The first one he’s made in a long time. 

And thus eating lunch with Davey becomes a regular thing.

**

The past, however, is never too far behind Leonard Church.

His name is known after all. His crimes, the trial, they were well publicized and enough to discredit him. He’s not surprised that Davey knows, though he is ashamed. Enough that he contemplates leaving, though the thought pains him. It’s the first time he’s felt at home for a while.

Davey doesn’t seem to care though. 

“I don’t deal with AI,” he says, “Never have, probably never will. They have always been a military thing to me. Although I am interested in your project, or former one as it was.”

Leonard winces. Project Freelancer is something he has avoided talking about for a long time. He can’t say forget since it weighs on him constantly, everything that happened, everything that went wrong, everyone that he wronged. He’s not ready to talk about how he sees his agents (he can’t think of them as anything else) everywhere. How he sees his daughter everywhere.

“Which part?” he asks, finally, and is about to make a self-deprecating remark when Davey cuts him off.

“I’m curious about the armor you used. It’s a modified Mjolnir design, isn’t it?” 

That catches Leonard off guard, enough that he is too stunned to speak for a few moments.

“Yes. It is. The…my soldiers weren’t Spartans, but that didn’t mean they weren’t capable of doing something similar, especially with the AI involved.”

“So, it was a combination of the AI and the armor…”

“Correct. In addition to the AI, the agents also possessed an enhancement that would help them in the field.”

“Also designed by you?” 

Leonard nods, though he’s trying to figure out Davey’s angle. He keeps asking questions about the Project, but not once has he broached the subject of his crimes. What he did to the AI, to the agents, to his own daughter. He keeps waiting for the anvil to fall but it never does. 

Finally, he breaks.

“Why are you asking me about all this?”

“Because I have an idea, and I think I could use your help.” 

**

Davey wants him to help build robotic limbs.

Leonard thinks he’s nuts. 

“I mostly came up with ideas at best,” he says, “I don’t have any experience with this.”

“Ideas are what I need,” Davey responds, in a maddening way that reminds Leonard of Agent Florida and he finally understands the other agents’ frustrations with him. “Between the two of us, I’m sure we can come up with something that will help so many people.”

And God does he ever want to. It’s the second chance that he’s dreamed of but knows he does not deserve. He wants to believe in Davey’s enthusiasm but he’s scared. He’s scared of falling victim to what happened before, to the past and everything that means. 

“Take a few days to think about it,” Davey says, and there’s a look in his eyes that says he’ll accept whatever path Leonard decides to take. It’s maddening.

**

He heads to work the next day, fully intending to decline Davey’s offer. He’s safer where he is, and happy with it, mostly. It’s something he can keep doing for a while. Agatha’s back but she’s been giving him more work to do. (He ignores the part of his brain that’s started playing with designs and ideas, coming up with improvements to one of the drawings Davey had shown him).

Davey doesn’t even give him a chance. 

Instead he introduces his latest patient. The girl can’t be older than twelve and had lived in one of the heavier hit areas, resulting in the loss of her leg. She greets Leonard with a determined expression, explaining that she wants the robot leg so that she can play on her soccer team again (she was the captain and had to lead her team to win the city tournament). She even has the gall to look like Carolina at that age. 

(An age he should have paid attention to. But that, that could probably apply to her whole life.)

As the girl is wheeled away to the operating room, Leonard glares at Davey.

“I hate you,” he says, glaring.

“I know,” Davey replies, smiling.

Leonard sighs and figures he’ll have to find the library on his way home to start researching.

**

It’s in researching that he starts paying attention to the news again.

He finds the frequency of Malcolm Hargrove’s name to be less than pleasant. All appearances suggest the man is doing well for himself, becoming a well-liked member of society, but Leonard is unconvinced. He’s seen first-hand that Hargrove can be ruthless if he wants something (although there might be some bias there, given that that ruthlessness was directed towards him personally).

The thing that starts to make him wonder is when he realizes that Hargrove is not just the Chairman to the Oversight Committee, but also the CEO of Charon Industries. It starts to make sense now, the ruthlessness, the determination. He supposes he should have put these pieces together far earlier (and many probably did) but he was more focused on his own plans and ideas.

He also notices that an alarming number of ships have gone missing. It’s a small article, but one that catches his eye, especially since they all seem to be happening in a similar area of space. Though that seems to be the only commonality. 

Leonard knows its stupid. There’s no evidence to suggest anything and he’s probably just biased as hell and wants to blame someone but he can’t shake the fact that the two pieces of information are connected. 

Thankfully Davey calls and he can abandon that train of thought.

**

Leonard finds that he enjoys working with Davey. 

It’s new for him, since most of his work as previously been independent. At least, in terms of research. He supposes he and Aiden Price had been partners at one point, but that was strictly professional. With Davey, it becomes more of a friendship and a competition as they both do their best to improve with each new idea. It makes the work easier given some of the difficulties they encounter.

He comes to enjoy the post-work conversations (arguments, debates) that occur at Andersmith’s, a café both of them have come to frequent. The food isn’t the best but they have decent coffee and a staff that lets them carry on, even when the arguments become heated.

For the first time in a long time (maybe even ever), Leonard Church feels connected to the world. He feels free. And only vaguely, usually when he’s home and on his own, does he wonder what Allison would think.

But Leonard is a Church. And the thing with Churches and the universe is that the universe is determined to never make things easy for Churches, regardless of who they are. If your last name is Church, there’s a good chance the universe wants a laugh at your expense.

Leonard Church walks into his next patient’s room, somewhat excited since he’s come up with some new ideas and is eager to put them into play. 

Instead he encounters Agent Connecticut. 

**

His first instinct is to talk to Davey.

Thankfully the afternoon had been reserved for doing just that. Although the planned conversation, the new design, was going to be put on hold. 

Instead Leonard sits Davey down and begins to explain. Originally he’d just been planning to explain about Connecticut but before he knows it, everything has come spilling out. Allison, Project Freelancer, the trial, his worries about Chorus and Malcolm Hargrove. Davey is quiet through most of this, only asking the odd clarifying question.

When Leonard finally finishes, Davey is quiet for a bit longer.

“It sounds like you’re at a bit of a crossroads, Len,” he says finally. “And even then, I think you’ve also made a decision.” 

“How do you figure that?” Leonard asks. He still feels mixed up.

“Well, it’s pretty obvious, to me at least, that you’re a guy who’s looking for redemption, especially after everything you went through. And what you’re doing now falls into that category, I think. And I’m glad I’m able to help you with that,” Davey smiles, pausing for a moment. “But the thing is, you’re lacking closure. Your Project fell apart around you, but you were so caught up in yourself that you barely noticed it. Now you’re back in the world, and you want the closure that you didn’t get before. So stopping this Hargrove guy, who sounds like a real piece of work, seems like the way to do that.” 

“He is,” Leonard agrees, but he’s still hesitant. “If I do decide to do this, I might have to leave for a while. Is that all right?”

“Can’t say I’m going to be pleased with it. I like having you around,” Davey shrugs. “But I’ll respect your decision.”

“What if I promise to come back?”

“Might make it a bit easier.”

It still seems like a big decision, and he doesn’t even know how the conversation he’ll be having with CT tonight will go, but it feels like something is in motion regardless. And he’s powerless to stop it. He always has been and he can finally accept that.

“There’s still a lot to think about. I’ll let you know.”

“You’ll make the right decision. More importantly, what about tonight? Will you be okay?”

“I think so. I just want to talk, maybe see if they have any information.”

Whatever happens with CT happens. Leonard has already decided that much at least. Davey seems satisfied with that answer. 

“Just move forward, Len. You’ll be alright.” 

For the first time in a long time, Leonard Church feels he can believe that.

**Author's Note:**

> [Kintsukuroi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu8HMFhITqw) by Hey Rosetta


End file.
